Out of the dark

A still, small voice. That's how God rolls. Sometimes he needs to smack us in the face. Other times he calls us to be still. Still in ways I've never been still, until now. 

      Letting go of the past. Not living my life based on what others think. Seeking God above all else. Raw, passionate pursuit. Being at a point when you really are ready to let God take control...because you have nothing left in you. 

   

        My heart and soul ached with longing to shed my pain and despair. I lost my passion in Gods work. People around me seemed to have no joy in God. The kind of joy the world can't understand or take away. I wanted joy in God. 

  

          I started withdrawing from people. I wanted and needed time to focus on God. I needed to spend time not worrying about keeping up appearances or maintaining shallow relationships. I had no fight left in me. I felt as though my heart had burst and it's pieces scattered to the four winds, and there was no hope of getting them back.  

       I swallowed the jagged pill of pride and had to admit that I had been living my life the way I thought everyone else wanted me to. Following family traditions in faith and life. I knew it was time to step back and evaluate my faith and core beliefs. This, I will tell you, is not for the faint of heart. 

           For so many years I've felt focused on the do's and don'ts of Christian life. You know, rules. What makes me right and all else wrong. Ah, the grand delusions. Though I've spoken of grace and mercy, and of Gods love, I'd never really felt it. Not like I wanted to. No matter how hard I tried, I felt as though heavens gates would never let me enter.  I had no real relationship with God. I was too afraid of Him. Afraid of the rejection I was sure I would recieve. One discovery I've made in my soul searching, is God's grace really is sufficient. Really. Once I began to believe this, I started letting Him closer. Fear has been swallowed by adoration and love. I am not saying I don't have a healthy fear of God, I'm saying that I've stopped being afraid of Him. I'm letting go of my hypocrisy and letting God pour out his love, grace and mercy. 

            

            In this time of searching, I've started to find joy in God. It is beyond the vocabulary of humans to try and describe it. I wish it upon all of you. 

            I tell you all of this to tell you something else. The past few months, while I've questioned the very things I believe, I have not felt as though I should write. I wanted to find my way out of the darkness so I could tell you what I found in the light, and what I felt in the dark. In the past 3days I've had a few people ask about my blog. I believe that in those questions was the still small voice telling me that it's time. It's time to start sharing you're struggles and victories once more. 

          So, here's to the God of the impossible. The God of the great and terrible storms, and gentle nudges. I'm back. 

Oh be careful little mind what you think.

Here we are again. Another day has passed. My kids are in bed and my mind is running much faster than my body.

I want to write about something that's been on my mind lately. It kind of goes along with my post about judging others, but not quite.
Friends, I sometimes think we judge Jesus. What I mean by this is, we try to smash Him into a mold to fit OUR ideals and tell others what God thinks of them without considering who He really is. Often people think of Christ as walking highly among the people, not associating with "riffraff", cheats, liars, thieves, prostitutes, or the like. So in turn we set ourselves up on a pedestal and pat our backs while we look down our noses at these "sinners". Those people who obviously can't be as good as we are. We parade around telling people what we are against....but not what we are for. We tell them what they are doing wrong but never stop to see what WE are doing wrong. How. Dare. We.

Christ was a servant to His friends. He washed their feet! He is the ultimate example of humility. He sought out the sinners and brought them love and grace. Many times people would gasp and point fingers because our Lord took time to share Gods love with those that everyone else condemned.

We are ALL sinners. (rom 3:23) But thank the Lord that we can all be forgiven. After living on this Earth and living a very humble life, He died for us.

Don't get me wrong. I fully understand that "Evil company corrupts good morals." What I'm saying is everyone deserves love, and a chance. Who can truly look around at the people you see and say they don't deserve to go to heaven? Who will throw the first stone? The people around us need us to show them the love of Christ so they CAN have a chance to go to heaven. When we turn up our noses and walk away we have sentenced them and judged them.

There will be those who refuse. There will be those who accept. How can you tell by merely judging from the outside. Only God knows the heart.

As Thanksgiving (the forgotten holiday) approaches, I challenge you. Invite someone who will be alone to be part of your family. God will provide you with what you need to carry out his work. Have faith, be bold, and love all.

"Normal" isn't so normal.

Do you ever sit and wonder what "normal" is? Nobody thinks they or their lives are normal. If I had to define "normal" I think I'd call it, the delusion that everyone has of everyone else's life, and the illusion we try to create to match it. Hmmm. Well, as far as putting it into words I think that is the best I've got.

I'll admit, I spend time thinking "I wish my life was just normal." I wish that things were as pleasant as they appear to be on the outside of other peoples lives. "On the outside"......

There are many directions we could take with this topic, but there is one I want to focus on. Depression. Depression is an ugly creature that takes over and steals joy in life. Many people keep their depression a hidden part of their life, tucked safely away behind the fear of the stigma that comes with depression. I too, fear that stigma.
I suffer from clinical depression. I have for years. Once in awhile my doctor and I decide to try not treating it with medication. It always works well for the first month or two...then I find myself crying all the time, or dreading waking in the morning. It's like I'm watching myself become more and more depressed but despite my best efforts to pull myself out of my slump, I fail.

Many Christians believe and profess that faith in God should be all you ever need to be joyful and if you are depressed than there is an issue with your faith. I have been told this by people before. It is a sad thing. It is the last thing that will help you because then you feel like a failure in your faith on top of everything negative you may feel.
I'm stepping out and exposing this struggle I have so that others who secretly struggle will know they are not alone. I think our Christian family would be far better off if we didn't worry about keeping up appearances of "normal" and exposed our faults and struggles so that we can build each other up. What if we let our guards down and truly bear one another's burdens as it says in Galatians 6:2?

For some reason when people find out you are on medication for depression (insert dramatic gasp here), they get this crazy image in their head. Some people just chalk you up as mentally impaired from that point on, and it's almost like they are afraid of you. Some will also try to look down on you. They might even attribute any slight change in your behavior to "your meds". Why is this? Are we not all human? Do we not all have struggles and inner battles?

I often struggle with taking medication for depression because it makes me feel weak. I listen to those who feed me lies and belittle me for not being able to "snap out of it". Friends, there is nothing wrong with treating depression. Take heart, and know that I applaud you for facing your giant. You are far from alone. Many times the people who struggle with depression are those you would never suspect. Often they are the goofy out-going ones that seem to have it all together....on the outside. Those people may go home and cry themselves to sleep, we don't know.

Faith is indeed critical. Not how it is often twisted though. Keep God close as you fight your depression. He WILL help you. God is an important part of the healing process. However, it by no means EVER means you have weak faith because you are depressed.

Let us put away our ideas of "normal". It is too often the image in our head of how things are supposed to be that messes us up. No more illusions and delusions. Be real. Real love, real kindness, real hope. Here's to tomorrow......

Oak Trees From Acorns

We had some heavy storms go through our area on Friday. I'll admit it was frightening. I was driving through it with my two children in the car. The winds reached over 90mph during this storm. Trees were falling, business signs were sailing across the road in front of us. Pieces of trees were slamming into the side of my car and at one point I was concerned that my car would blow over.
We really need some rain around here. That storm was like all the prayers for rain hit at once!
After everything was over and I had time to reflect on the events, a scene came to my mind. A storm, a boat, a man, and a little faith.


"Immediately He made the disciples get into the boat and go ahead of Him to the other side, while He sent the crowds away. After He had sent the crowds away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray; and when it was evening, He was there alone. But the boat was already a long distance from the land, battered by the waves; for the wind was contrary. And in the fourth watch of the night He came to them, walking on the sea. When the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, "It is a ghost!" And they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, "Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid." Peter said to Him, "Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water." And He said, "Come!" And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and *said to him, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" (Matthew 14:22-31 NASB)

This has to be one of my favorites. Most people look at it this and call it the story of Jesus walking on the water, or the story of Peter doubting. What if we spin that around? What if we say it is the story where Peter tried, or where Peter had faith.
Wait, Peter had faith in this story?? Uh, yes, actually he did. It's so easy for us to sit back and judge, isn't it? We want to stand proud and beat our fists on our chest and declare 'I'd NEVER doubt like Peter'! Yet when money is tight and we don't know how we will ever make it, we doubt. When politicians lie and leaders abandon, we doubt. Even after God proves himself time and time again.....we doubt. We are human and it is our nature to doubt. Lets be honest, everyone is a hypocrite, to some degree. The story is not there for us to sit back and wag our heads at Peter. There are many lessons in this story.
Faith is a simple concept, and we practice it every day. We have faith in gravity. If we didn't, we would constantly be afraid of flying off into space. We have faith in the chair we sit in or the floor we walk on. Faith is believing in what you cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1).
So, back to the story. The boys are in the boat and they see Jesus coming towards them, walking on the water. They think he's a ghost, which I can't say I'd feel much different. Then he let's them know it's ok and that it is Him.
So, then every one starts jumping up and down and asking for a turn to walk on water. Ha! No! Peter, asks For Christ to prove who he is by commanding him to come onto the water. Christ simply says, "come".
Peter dared to step out and take a risk. A big risk. A risk that would strengthen His faith.
Who are we? Are we sitting in the boat watching? Do we show up on Sunday and watch everything happen all week? Or are we taking action and stepping out? Are we willing to try even if it means we fail?
We like our comfort zones. Who doesn't? But sometimes it has to hurt if we want to grow. Sometimes we have to have growing pains.
Well, Peter gets freaked out by the wind and waves and starts to sink. There are 'winds' and 'waves' in our lives that cause us to sink too. Yet, what Peter does here is interesting. Does he just start swimming, or try to save himself? Nope. He calls out to Christ. Then IMMEDIATELY Christ reaches down to help him. He doesn't wait 'til he's near drowning. Peter called out for help, and help is what he got. I think all too often we try to solve our own problems, don't you? Perhaps we need to call on Him for help more often than we do.
Christ says to Peter, "You of little faith. Why did you doubt"? You of LITTLE faith. Not you of NO faith. Peter becomes a key figure and leader in the new testament church. He continues to mess up along the way but God did great things through him.
Sometimes all we need is a little faith because if we have a little, it will grow. A little faith can turn into a big faith if you nurture it. Oak trees grow from acorns, don't they?
Faith is a simple concept, but that doesn't mean it's easy to act out. We need to challenge ourselves and those around us to be like Peter was in the boat. We need to step out of the boat and take the risk. We need to serve others and be workers. Faith needs to be put into action. There will be wind. There will be waves. Yet, if we have just a little faith we can do much.