As most of you know, I have been following a strict vegan-like diet that my neurosurgeon recommended. I was to stay on that for 6 weeks, which I did. I lost 10 lbs in the beginning then went up and down 4 lbs for the next 5 weeks. I also decided that I was going to start training for a half marathon, next fall. I was SO happy when my six weeks were up for that diet and I could drink milk again! And eat yogurt! It's the simple things you miss.
Today I went for a follow up with that Dr. Today, he threw a stick in my spokes. During my walk/jogs my lower back has started hurting and I've been getting sharp pains going down the backs of my legs. SO, despite my best efforts, the Doc insists I stop all walking and or running until I get an MRI on my back and he looks at the results. ::sigh:: But wait! There's more! Not only did he put the kapoot on my training but he also wants me to try the diet AGAIN, but with new restrictions. Woo hoo! Oh wait....no, no I don't think I'm excited about that. In my head I can almost hear the doctor snorting he's laughing so hard.
I got to sit through another talk about my weight. I just love when you KNOW something is a problem and yet people insist on telling/reminding you. It always improves your self image ....not. I know, I know, he's trying to help. That's why I'm going to listen to him and give it my best shot. The worst that can happen is it DOESN'T work and I can tell him with a clear conscience that I gave it my best shot.
So I feel like I was going along and doing pretty good then....wham! I got a stick in my spokes and it stopped me dead in my tracks. It is disheartening. It makes me want to turn around and flip my tail in the air and walk away like a sassy cat. It makes me want to just forget it all.....but I can't. It's not my nature. No, instead, I'll get bummed for a few days, and sulk around the house while I talk myself into not giving up. I don't know when to quit. I feel like giving up trying would be giving up all hope. Even after I fail again and again there is that small hope that drives me on. The hope that THIS could be the time it works.
I am insane. Why? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. That's pretty much me. I like to think of myself as "ruggedly independent" (stubborn). It can be a good and bad quality, it just depends on where it is applied.
I am not giving up. I won't let this battle be won by the opposing side. We all have daily battles. We all have something we must conquer daily. We will keep on keeping on knowing we aren't the only one. Don't give up. Go open your bible and read Psalm 29. Our God is a strong God. He will help us through if we just seek Him.
I'm rooting for you.
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Be careful what you pray for.....
Monday night I lay in my bed crying. I had reached a low point. My weight has continued to climb despite my efforts. I was at my wits end praying that God would give me a way. I told myself that if God gave me direction on this I would follow it, no matter how difficult or crazy. I prayed for help because obviously whatever I was doing wasn't working and now I had to rely on God(Prov. 3:5-6), as I should've done from day one.
I kept telling myself I was relying on God. I kept building the illusion that I had everything under control. I didnt and I don't.
Lately life has been dealing us one blow after another and I can scarcely catch my breath. Things going wrong with the house, storms, illness, injury, debt, and so on. I tend to take all my worries and focus my frustration at my personal faults, such as my weight. So with all of this going on I was zeroed in on my weight. I tip the scales at 242 lbs, so it was an easy target.
Well, Tuesday afternoon I had an appt. with my neurosurgeon. I always dread going to see a doctor, they are expensive, you have to be weighed, and they take one look at you and think they know who you are.
I arrived at my doctors office with my kids in tow. We waited in the waiting area for quite a while. Finally we were called back.
We sat in the room and waited. Then the doctor came in. He was a thin, short man with snow white hair and a cheerful bounce in his step. He whirled into the room and greeted me and my kids. Then he sat down at a small countertop in the room. We talked about my migraines and my family history. We also discussed the calcium in my brain. Then we turned and looked at me and said that we needed to discuss my weight.
I felt my face get hot and a lump form in my throat. I hate having my faults pointed out when I am TRYING to fix them. Actually I hate having my faults pointed out at all. I think most people would feel the same. I felt tears welling up and my throat ached. I was only half listening to him. I didn't want to hear what he had to say. I didn't care.
As I sat there fighting back tears of hurt and pride, I remembered my prayer. I had asked for this very thing. This wasn't how I expected it but is it ever? How often do we look the answer to our prayers in the face then reject it? I fought back and swallowed my pride and prayed for the strength to listen and be kind.
The doctor was being gentle with his comments. He wasn't frustrating like when you've gained 50 lbs and people claim they can't tell. He wasn't accusing like I had never tried to change. He was forward, informative and sympathetic. It was amazing.
I listened carefully and he wanted me to get a book that he wrote and read it, then follow it. He told me some of the ideas of the diet, or non-diet as he called it. I have to eat mostly fruits and veggies. Some beans, nuts, and whole grains. The tricky part is NO MEAT. So I have to become a vegetarian. No dairy, processed foods and no oils either. So I can expect to be growing a fluffy white tail and long ears any day.
This is what I asked for. It is going to be SO HARD. I said I would do it though. I asked, God answered and now I have to act on it. I will update you on how it goes. Even though it will be really hard, if it works, it will be worth it.
God hears our prayers. He answers prayers. It is up to us to listen and watch for the answers. When we see them, we must act on them, even when its not the answer you were expecting. What are you praying for?
I kept telling myself I was relying on God. I kept building the illusion that I had everything under control. I didnt and I don't.
Lately life has been dealing us one blow after another and I can scarcely catch my breath. Things going wrong with the house, storms, illness, injury, debt, and so on. I tend to take all my worries and focus my frustration at my personal faults, such as my weight. So with all of this going on I was zeroed in on my weight. I tip the scales at 242 lbs, so it was an easy target.
Well, Tuesday afternoon I had an appt. with my neurosurgeon. I always dread going to see a doctor, they are expensive, you have to be weighed, and they take one look at you and think they know who you are.
I arrived at my doctors office with my kids in tow. We waited in the waiting area for quite a while. Finally we were called back.
We sat in the room and waited. Then the doctor came in. He was a thin, short man with snow white hair and a cheerful bounce in his step. He whirled into the room and greeted me and my kids. Then he sat down at a small countertop in the room. We talked about my migraines and my family history. We also discussed the calcium in my brain. Then we turned and looked at me and said that we needed to discuss my weight.
I felt my face get hot and a lump form in my throat. I hate having my faults pointed out when I am TRYING to fix them. Actually I hate having my faults pointed out at all. I think most people would feel the same. I felt tears welling up and my throat ached. I was only half listening to him. I didn't want to hear what he had to say. I didn't care.
As I sat there fighting back tears of hurt and pride, I remembered my prayer. I had asked for this very thing. This wasn't how I expected it but is it ever? How often do we look the answer to our prayers in the face then reject it? I fought back and swallowed my pride and prayed for the strength to listen and be kind.
The doctor was being gentle with his comments. He wasn't frustrating like when you've gained 50 lbs and people claim they can't tell. He wasn't accusing like I had never tried to change. He was forward, informative and sympathetic. It was amazing.
I listened carefully and he wanted me to get a book that he wrote and read it, then follow it. He told me some of the ideas of the diet, or non-diet as he called it. I have to eat mostly fruits and veggies. Some beans, nuts, and whole grains. The tricky part is NO MEAT. So I have to become a vegetarian. No dairy, processed foods and no oils either. So I can expect to be growing a fluffy white tail and long ears any day.
This is what I asked for. It is going to be SO HARD. I said I would do it though. I asked, God answered and now I have to act on it. I will update you on how it goes. Even though it will be really hard, if it works, it will be worth it.
God hears our prayers. He answers prayers. It is up to us to listen and watch for the answers. When we see them, we must act on them, even when its not the answer you were expecting. What are you praying for?
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Dissatisfaction guaranteed. Results may vary.
I've been thinking a lot lately about weight and health issues (wonder why...). I long for a good walk outside or some form of exercise. Yet, as you know it's still a few baby steps off in my recovery. In the meantime, I've been subjected to self-torture, looking up ways to work out and be healthy and loose weight. I go back and forth about it all the time. I ask "Why can't I just be happy with myself?". Really, when I dig down a few layers to where it starts to hurt, I know why. It's not because I want to be a super model or sport a bikini (NEVER!!). No matter what a persons size, modesty is a MUST. My body is a direct result of MY actions. Beyond that, my body is a tool. God gave me THIS body to care for and use to serve him. If we are given a tool for a special task, should we lay it on the ground and let it rust or subject it to unnecessary abuse? Or should we oil it, care for it, and USE it?
Now hold on though. YES, there are limitations. I don't necessarily mean everyone should go out and start running marathons. That just can't happen. However, you can eat healthy. Some have physical conditions or illnesses that put limitations on their physical bodies. You can take care of what you have though. I have been blessed with good health and I feel more is required of me because of this.
This truly is one of my struggles. It causes me to sin on many levels. When i struggle with emotion, do I turn to food? Do I lust for food? Gluttony is not a joke, friends. When the next church potluck comes and people are being tempted to over indulge, think about it. We joke about how we like our food in the church, but it is no joke. I believe the devil uses food to physically impair many saints so they cannot serve as they should be able to. It tires out our bodies to carry around more than they were meant to. And our bodies crave pure fuel. Yet I eat to satisfy my mouth and not my body. It's a needs vs wants. This does not just apply to us larger people. If someone is thin it does not mean that they are healthy.
God had blessed us with so much. Will we not use what we have been given? This temporary loss of physical freedom has struck me. We don't miss walking....until we can't.
Like everything in life there is a balance. We must take care of our bodies. Our bodies are the dwelling place of the Holy spirit. When was the last time we dusted, vacuumed, or took out the trash? Our souls need to be kept as well. We should not be so consumed with our bodies that our souls suffer. We must feed our minds and souls pure fuel as well. Is our soul on a "fast food diet"? Do we just take in bits of spiritual nourishment as we find it laying around, when it's convenient for us? Or do we feed our souls a steady diet of the word of God, fellowship, and good works?
One will be much easier than the other. This does not make it the best.
The path ahead of me is not easy. I've struggled with my thyroid and other health issues the past year. I must steer my feet in a new direction. If I care for my body it will help me care for my soul and vice versa.
We are all dissatisfied with our bodies at some point. Let's use it as a stepping stone and not a stumbling block.
Tomorrow is too far away. Let us start on a better path today.
Now hold on though. YES, there are limitations. I don't necessarily mean everyone should go out and start running marathons. That just can't happen. However, you can eat healthy. Some have physical conditions or illnesses that put limitations on their physical bodies. You can take care of what you have though. I have been blessed with good health and I feel more is required of me because of this.
This truly is one of my struggles. It causes me to sin on many levels. When i struggle with emotion, do I turn to food? Do I lust for food? Gluttony is not a joke, friends. When the next church potluck comes and people are being tempted to over indulge, think about it. We joke about how we like our food in the church, but it is no joke. I believe the devil uses food to physically impair many saints so they cannot serve as they should be able to. It tires out our bodies to carry around more than they were meant to. And our bodies crave pure fuel. Yet I eat to satisfy my mouth and not my body. It's a needs vs wants. This does not just apply to us larger people. If someone is thin it does not mean that they are healthy.
God had blessed us with so much. Will we not use what we have been given? This temporary loss of physical freedom has struck me. We don't miss walking....until we can't.
Like everything in life there is a balance. We must take care of our bodies. Our bodies are the dwelling place of the Holy spirit. When was the last time we dusted, vacuumed, or took out the trash? Our souls need to be kept as well. We should not be so consumed with our bodies that our souls suffer. We must feed our minds and souls pure fuel as well. Is our soul on a "fast food diet"? Do we just take in bits of spiritual nourishment as we find it laying around, when it's convenient for us? Or do we feed our souls a steady diet of the word of God, fellowship, and good works?
One will be much easier than the other. This does not make it the best.
The path ahead of me is not easy. I've struggled with my thyroid and other health issues the past year. I must steer my feet in a new direction. If I care for my body it will help me care for my soul and vice versa.
We are all dissatisfied with our bodies at some point. Let's use it as a stepping stone and not a stumbling block.
Tomorrow is too far away. Let us start on a better path today.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Addicted
Ugh. Addictions. There are so many different kinds. Some are good, some are bad, some aren't really either. One thing I'm addicted to is pinterest. It is a great resource for the crafty/resourceful. You can find out how to make things from junk to save time and money or you can find great recipes. If you choose, you can just sit there and dream while looking at pictures of things that you find interesting.
Another addiction I have is doing. Doing? Yes. Simply the act of doing something. I feel like I'm wasting time if I'm not doing something. Relaxing to me is researching more things that I can do with my time!
This whole healing process is going to drive me nutso!!!! My leg hurts pretty bad from the angiogram. I have a dark purple bruise on my leg that takes up an area larger than both of my hands. I also feel like I'm always on the verge of a headache. This has to be one of the most challenging and frustrating things I've ever gone through. I feel like I'm not healing as fast as I could be. Maybe I should spend the entire day in bed tomorrow. It would be rough, but if I actually feel better rather than worse it might be nice. I've healed from plenty of other things and been able to push myself and still heal well....but this seems different. I can only imagine the "WELL DUH!!!" people want to tell me. I know how silly this all may seem from the other side, but from my POV I'm actually going through withdrawals! I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like I'm craving activity.
On top of this, I'm addicted to food. I want so badly to lose weight. I want to start exercising, and actually try to get healthy. Yet, I can't. If my head is bothered by such mundane activity then I know it will be a long long time until I'm able to actually work up a sweat. I feel so boxed in and doomed. Like nothing I try will work. I keep trying to pray about it but I'm not even sure it's what God wants. Truly, I feel like a child being forced to look at the mess they have made, being scolded, and having to wait to clean it up. I'm sitting here looking at this mess of myself, wanting to start NOW, and God is saying "Wait. Wait until you've taken a good long look and you've actually learned something". It's getting even harder because some of the medication I am on right now is making me gain weight. This only makes me panic. It's like knowing that you will have to pull a person out of quick sand, but having to watch the sink up to their eyebrows before you are allowed to help. It will be hard enough to do, but the longer you wait the more difficult it will be. I'm just afraid of that person sinking all the way before I'm able to even try to reach out....then it's too late.
I'm addicted. My addictions need to be controlled. I'm trying. An addiction really comes down to a control issue. I want to be in control here and I am not. Somethings we do need to have control of. While others we need to let go of control and let God. It's not for sissy's.
I really hope that I WILL learn something from this. I really hope that it won't kill me in the process. Above all, I hope that I will be able to put into action what I learn. Another day down.
Another addiction I have is doing. Doing? Yes. Simply the act of doing something. I feel like I'm wasting time if I'm not doing something. Relaxing to me is researching more things that I can do with my time!
This whole healing process is going to drive me nutso!!!! My leg hurts pretty bad from the angiogram. I have a dark purple bruise on my leg that takes up an area larger than both of my hands. I also feel like I'm always on the verge of a headache. This has to be one of the most challenging and frustrating things I've ever gone through. I feel like I'm not healing as fast as I could be. Maybe I should spend the entire day in bed tomorrow. It would be rough, but if I actually feel better rather than worse it might be nice. I've healed from plenty of other things and been able to push myself and still heal well....but this seems different. I can only imagine the "WELL DUH!!!" people want to tell me. I know how silly this all may seem from the other side, but from my POV I'm actually going through withdrawals! I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like I'm craving activity.
On top of this, I'm addicted to food. I want so badly to lose weight. I want to start exercising, and actually try to get healthy. Yet, I can't. If my head is bothered by such mundane activity then I know it will be a long long time until I'm able to actually work up a sweat. I feel so boxed in and doomed. Like nothing I try will work. I keep trying to pray about it but I'm not even sure it's what God wants. Truly, I feel like a child being forced to look at the mess they have made, being scolded, and having to wait to clean it up. I'm sitting here looking at this mess of myself, wanting to start NOW, and God is saying "Wait. Wait until you've taken a good long look and you've actually learned something". It's getting even harder because some of the medication I am on right now is making me gain weight. This only makes me panic. It's like knowing that you will have to pull a person out of quick sand, but having to watch the sink up to their eyebrows before you are allowed to help. It will be hard enough to do, but the longer you wait the more difficult it will be. I'm just afraid of that person sinking all the way before I'm able to even try to reach out....then it's too late.
I'm addicted. My addictions need to be controlled. I'm trying. An addiction really comes down to a control issue. I want to be in control here and I am not. Somethings we do need to have control of. While others we need to let go of control and let God. It's not for sissy's.
I really hope that I WILL learn something from this. I really hope that it won't kill me in the process. Above all, I hope that I will be able to put into action what I learn. Another day down.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)