This winter has been relentless. Every winter I struggle. It's more than vitamin d can fix, trust me. People who normally think I should be able to truck through winter, are feeling the winter blues. Hopefully it serves as an eye opener.
In December I hit an all time low. I'd never felt so low. Try as I might, there was no motivation to do more than was required of me. I was tired all the time. Felt like I was dying inside, but had no idea what to do. I swallowed my pride long ago and started taking anti-depressants. Well, I ended up speaking with a Dr and even went through some group therapy. My medication had stopped working and I needed to make a switch.
I can't tell you how thankful I am for that pill. It doesn't make me a zombie, or emotionless. It lifts the great fog of depression so I can me me and feel my emotions as they should be felt. Why is it that we are so afraid of deppression? Why do we feel the need to hide it? Why do we deny ourselves the freedom treatment can offer? In a word, I think it is summed up as pride. A very wise elderly woman once told me that if everyone knew what everyone else struggled with, the world would be a better place. Can I get an amen??
Think about it. We are afraid of what people will think of us. Or we've convinced ourselves that it's ok for SOME people to need treaemt....but certainly not us. Nope, we like it here in the city of denial in the house of dillusion.
I also hear people use the old, "if you had enough faith" bit. Pause for a moment with me while I roll my eyes. Obviously, these people have never read through the psalms. Uh, yes, David had some pretty dark stuff in there. Or what about Job! We look up to Job as a pilar of strength and faith, and yet in the midst of his tragedy he wished he'd never been born! Depression happens!
Some don't like the idea, and think...why me? Why do I have to depend on a pill to be "normal"? Because depression is an illness. I'm sure people with diabetes and several other diseases think the same thing.
So something I'd like to work on, is breaking down some of these walls. I want to teach others that stigma sucks. That we need to take care of ourselves and be gentle with all people, because we don't know their story. Be more brave with your story, someone out there needs to hear it. I want to show that you can be a faithful Christian, and struggle with depression.
God is amazing.
We are never alone.