Thursday, June 28, 2012

A late night history lesson will break your heart.

Last night my daughter wanted to stay up late and watch a movie together. It is summer and I wanted the opportunity so I agreed. My son learned of our plans and I told him that he could join us as well. We browsed the movies and came across the diary of Anne Frank.
        Rachel studied the girl on the cover and and asked what the story was about. First, I told her that it was no story. I told her it is very true, every bit of it. Then I went on to explain about WW II and the Nazi's. She stopped me and asked who the Nazi's were. For some reason this stirred my heart. I felt that she needed to know this important part of history. I don't even know if they teach it in school anymore.
        It was settled. We were going to watch "The Diary of Anne Frank". I knew the story and knew it would be hard for my daughter to watch (she is 10). I however, believe that sometimes children need to be exposed to unhappy endings. I see so many of my daughters friends disconnected from compassion, and sympathy. It is our culture for young children to watch crazy movies and become callused to things around them. I know this is not always true, but it does seem to be a large number. I think all the external "junk" our kids are exposed to gives them a real disadvantage in the emotional department. It feeds a selfish, entitled attitude. The value of a human life seems to be less in the eyes of so many. It saddens me deeply.
        We all three settled down to watch the movie. It was a long movie and there were many questions along the way.
         It had been a long time since I had seen the movie or read the book. The more we watched and the more I remembered Anne Frank reminded me of my daughter. This gave me a new perspective on the movie. Before, I had watched it as a girl, relating to the young people in the movie. This time, I watched it as a parent, and related to the adults. New emotions were churning inside of me.
         The scene in the movie came where their hiding is finally discovered. My son crept over to my lap (He is 6yrs.) and had little tears in his eyes.
        He said, "Mama, those bad men are so mean. I wish I would have been there to fight them."
        My little protector.  I tried to smile at him, thinking of what I would have done had I been in that situation and told him, "My big strong boy, a lot of people died trying to fight the bad men."
        Then Rachel looked at me with tears down her cheeks and still welling in her eyes and asked, "Mama, does she live? Does her family live?"
         I took a deep breath. I hadn't expected it to stir their emotions so much, or mine. All I could do was shake my head and whisper, "Just her father, love."
        Then came the end scene and Rachel was hanging on to every word spoken by Anne's father about the fate of his family and friends.
         The movie ended with both children in my lap, with all of us crying quiet, sullen tears. My son was fairly easily comforted and after lots of hugs and kisses he felt much better. My daughter is a deep thinker. She would not be so easily comforted. She had so many questions. She wanted to know why I hadn't told her about this before.  She was somewhat familiar with WWII but only what it was like in america during the war.
        My daughter and I sat and discussed many things last night. We talked about relatives who had fought in WWII. We talked about how it would have been in their shoes. Then, we talked about how blessed we are.
       After much discussion, it was very late and time for bed. Rachel wanted to sleep in bed with me. I allowed it and soon after we laid down she was out cold. I laid there looking at her face and thinking of what it would be like to have our family separated and sent away the way the Frank family was. The lump in my throat ached as I thought of the feeling of helplessness. I envisioned the people who survived searching for months or years to discover the fate of the ones they loved. What heartache. Then a thought came to me. Death is not the end.
        My imagination swept me away to a reunion in heaven. People who searched for and never found the ones they loved. In all these scenarios it was always my family. I imagined it for a little while, then I could take it no more.
        I laid there and prayed. I thanked God for many, many things. The hope of heaven really is a grand hope. What would we have to comfort us in our times of sorrow?
        I will forever thank God for my family. Above all, I will thank Him for the hope He offers. The Bible is so full of promises that I know will be kept. When things look beyond hope, they are not. It may be difficult to see, but it is there.
        This morning I decided to look up Anne Frank. Unknown to me, the 25th, was the 60th anniversary of her diary being printed. Then I saw that she and my daughter shared the same birthday in June. I encourage you to look it up as well.
        History is an interesting thing. We can learn so much from it, if only we are willing to. The Bible tells us that the old testament (the part before Jesus, the old law) is there for us to study and learn from. Through out the years that are recorded you can see history repeating itself over and over. I suppose it will continue to do so. I believe that if we can learn from the mistakes of others, we should, and not make the same mistakes ourselves.
           Anne Frank had no idea the impact she would have on the world. Who knows what sort of impact we may have one day.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Dissatisfaction guaranteed. Results may vary.

I've been thinking a lot lately about weight and health issues (wonder why...). I long for a good walk outside or some form of exercise. Yet, as you know it's still a few baby steps off in my recovery. In the meantime, I've been subjected to self-torture, looking up ways to work out and be healthy and loose weight. I go back and forth about it all the time. I ask "Why can't I just be happy with myself?". Really, when I dig down a few layers to where it starts to hurt, I know why. It's not because I want to be a super model or sport a bikini (NEVER!!). No matter what a persons size, modesty is a MUST. My body is a direct result of MY actions. Beyond that, my body is a tool. God gave me THIS body to care for and use to serve him. If we are given a tool for a special task, should we lay it on the ground and let it rust or subject it to unnecessary abuse? Or should we oil it, care for it, and USE it?

Now hold on though. YES, there are limitations. I don't necessarily mean everyone should go out and start running marathons. That just can't happen. However, you can eat healthy. Some have physical conditions or illnesses that put limitations on their physical bodies. You can take care of what you have though. I have been blessed with good health and I feel more is required of me because of this.
This truly is one of my struggles. It causes me to sin on many levels. When i struggle with emotion, do I turn to food? Do I lust for food? Gluttony is not a joke, friends. When the next church potluck comes and people are being tempted to over indulge, think about it. We joke about how we like our food in the church, but it is no joke. I believe the devil uses food to physically impair many saints so they cannot serve as they should be able to. It tires out our bodies to carry around more than they were meant to. And our bodies crave pure fuel. Yet I eat to satisfy my mouth and not my body. It's a needs vs wants. This does not just apply to us larger people. If someone is thin it does not mean that they are healthy.
God had blessed us with so much. Will we not use what we have been given? This temporary loss of physical freedom has struck me. We don't miss walking....until we can't.
Like everything in life there is a balance. We must take care of our bodies. Our bodies are the dwelling place of the Holy spirit. When was the last time we dusted, vacuumed, or took out the trash? Our souls need to be kept as well. We should not be so consumed with our bodies that our souls suffer. We must feed our minds and souls pure fuel as well. Is our soul on a "fast food diet"? Do we just take in bits of spiritual nourishment as we find it laying around, when it's convenient for us? Or do we feed our souls a steady diet of the word of God, fellowship, and good works?
One will be much easier than the other. This does not make it the best.
The path ahead of me is not easy. I've struggled with my thyroid and other health issues the past year. I must steer my feet in a new direction. If I care for my body it will help me care for my soul and vice versa.
We are all dissatisfied with our bodies at some point. Let's use it as a stepping stone and not a stumbling block.
Tomorrow is too far away. Let us start on a better path today.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Walking with my feet tied up and my hands folded up.

Well, the healing process has suffered a set back. A trip to the ER Monday gave way to the discovery that there was slight internal bleeding, the start of cellulitis, and a bruised artery (they can bruise??). I was patched up and sent home. I almost slept through Tuesday and Wednesday. Today I can finally say I'm feeling BETTER. Not 100% but actually better and not worse. The most difficult hurdle right now is how damaged my leg is. I have to walk like my feet are tied together and bending my right leg is a nightmare! So, I stumble around the house half walking and half dragging my leg. I look like a zombie!!! I swallowed what little pride I had left and started using a cane to walk. It helps a lot. At least if people see me with a cane they won't think I'm a zombie! Haha! All this trying to get better is like trying to walk with your feet tied in more ways than one. Each move must be calculated and slow or you'll end up on your face! It works literally and metaphorically.
One of the best ways to get the focus off of your own pity party is to think of others. So, I broke out the cards and got to work. There are lots of others hurting all around us. Yes we need to think of our problems to a degree, but it's when we dwell on them that we wade into deep waters. I'm learning a little being out of commission. It really forces you to think about your perspective and if it's time for a revamp. I have gotten a few cards in the mail while being sick and they mean so much. It stirred up my compassion for the others that are sick or hurt, because I can relate. If you could make someone's day with 48cents, would you? It seems like such a small amount to brighten a day, or encourage a soul. Why then do we find it so hard to do? Time? Perhaps. Lazy? At least part of it. Or do we underestimate the power of a kind word? Hmmm.
It's all very interesting to think about. Try this, write someone a note that you are praying for them, then pray for them! How often do we say "I'll pray for (fill in the blank)." then never actually do. Or better yet fall asleep during the half hearted utterances that we call prayer. You know, the type of prayer where it's more of a task because you said you'd do it so you haaaave to as you remember as you crawl into bed. Why not pray for the person with the card in your hands? Sometimes I think we are afraid of prayer.
Imagine someone comes up to you after church and asks you to pray for them about something. Wouldn't it be awesome if RIGHT THEN, we took them aside and prayed? Wouldn't that be powerful?? The great thing is, we don't need an appointment for prayer! We do serve an awesome God. So, even though I feel like I'm walking with my feet tied up, I want to walk with my hands folded prayer.

Monday, June 18, 2012


Ugh. Addictions. There are so many different kinds. Some are good, some are bad, some aren't really either. One thing I'm addicted to is pinterest. It is a great resource for the crafty/resourceful. You can find out how to make things from junk to save time and money or you can find great recipes. If you choose, you can just sit there and dream while looking at pictures of things that you find interesting.
Another addiction I have is doing. Doing? Yes. Simply the act of doing something. I feel like I'm wasting time if I'm not doing something. Relaxing to me is researching more things that I can do with my time!
This whole healing process is going to drive me nutso!!!! My leg hurts pretty bad from the angiogram. I have a dark purple bruise on my leg that takes up an area larger than both of my hands. I also feel like I'm always on the verge of a headache. This has to be one of the most challenging and frustrating things I've ever gone through. I feel like I'm not healing as fast as I could be. Maybe I should spend the entire day in bed tomorrow. It would be rough, but if I actually feel better rather than worse it might be nice. I've healed from plenty of other things and been able to push myself and still heal well....but this seems different. I can only imagine the "WELL DUH!!!" people want to tell me. I know how silly this all may seem from the other side, but from my POV I'm actually going through withdrawals! I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like I'm craving activity.
On top of this, I'm addicted to food. I want so badly to lose weight. I want to start exercising, and actually try to get healthy. Yet, I can't. If my head is bothered by such mundane activity then I know it will be a long long time until I'm able to actually work up a sweat. I feel so boxed in and doomed. Like nothing I try will work. I keep trying to pray about it but I'm not even sure it's what God wants. Truly, I feel like a child being forced to look at the mess they have made, being scolded, and having to wait to clean it up. I'm sitting here looking at this mess of myself, wanting to start NOW, and God is saying "Wait. Wait until you've taken a good long look and you've actually learned something". It's getting even harder because some of the medication I am on right now is making me gain weight. This only makes me panic. It's like knowing that you will have to pull a person out of quick sand, but having to watch the sink up to their eyebrows before you are allowed to help. It will be hard enough to do, but the longer you wait the more difficult it will be. I'm just afraid of that person sinking all the way before I'm able to even try to reach out....then it's too late.
I'm addicted. My addictions need to be controlled. I'm trying. An addiction really comes down to a control issue. I want to be in control here and I am not. Somethings we do need to have control of. While others we need to let go of control and let God. It's not for sissy's.
I really hope that I WILL learn something from this. I really hope that it won't kill me in the process. Above all, I hope that I will be able to put into action what I learn. Another day down.

Friday, June 15, 2012

I'll rest when I'm dead, ok this is close enough.

I've always been of the mind that I'll rest when I'm dead. I run here and there filling my days with tasks and errands. People tell me that I need to slow down. I enjoy it though. I enjoy the constant work and how things turn out. I like being useful. Who doesn't?

Well, sometimes God likes to throw a stick in our spokes just to remind us of just how much we are not in charge. I just spent the past few days in an ICU. I hadn't been feeling well but kep pushing. "I'll feel better tomorrow", or "it's just my imagination." Well at the point my head felt like it was going to explode and my vision was failing I drove myself to the ER, WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE. I was so iconvinced that they'd give me some fluids and send me home that I didn't want to make a fuss and tell even my husband. -Hey, I never said I was being smart through this whole thing.- Soon my husband was able to track me down on our gps phone things. Little did I know that they would actually find something on my ct scan, and soon MRI. I kept thinking "This isn't possible! I'm too busy to be sick!" I what could I do but lay there and be subject to Gods plans and not my own. At points over the past few days I've thought,"ok this is close enough to dead, I'll rest." All the things that I wanted to help with and be a part of went on without me. None of us are irreplaceable in some respects. There is SOME ONE who will teach that class, or visit that person. I found a pleasant surprise. When we feel like nobody else will do it, God shows us we aren't alone. I think part of our pride gets in the way when we stop looking for help when we don't think people can do things the way we want them to, or we just don't think they would be willing. "The mother of invention is necessity." It is a quote I think applies to this. People will find ways to help when it is necessary. Personally I need to learn to say no to things. In a way I am robbing my brothers and sisters in Christ from opportunities to serve. So, I swallowed the bitter pill of pride and people stepped up. I keep wanting to do things and help, it's my nature and it's not a bad thing. But like all things, moderation is key. We can rest but in moderation. We can be commit to help but in moderation. If we over commit we not only cheat those we are trying to serve, but cheat ourselves as well. There is indeed a delicate balance.
We must all strive for this balance. We must not only try to be involved but to delegate and get others involved as well. Directly ask people for help. Ask for a yes or no commitment. Wishy washy commitment isn't commitment.

So, I've learned that I shouldn't wait til I'm dead to rest or I'll shorten the time I'm here to serve. Even Christ found time for himself. He served,he also delegated, and he saved us all. He is working now through us. He is relying on us to carry out His work. He could get it done without us, but he chooses to entrust us with such a great task. We can learn so much from our Master.
These thoughts went here and there and I'm not even sure they made sense, but here they are.

Saturday, June 9, 2012


Well, here I am. Take me as you will. Here are my thoughts. No one offered me a penny for my thoughts, yet here they are. This blog will contain my random thoughts, stories, and expierences. I am not sure if or why someone would want to read my posts but if you should venture this way I hope that you will find something that you can take with you. Something that you can tuck in the corner of your heart or mind and pull out when you need it most. It may be something to make you laugh or it very well may be the good cry that you've needed to clean out your internal clutter. I am a home school mom. I have 2 children that I adore and a husband that is beyond my best friend. I simply cannot imagine my life without my family. We live in a little house in the country. We have our own little mini farm with chickens, 2 dogs, 1 cat, a bird, goldfish, and ducks. Our lives are simple and we adore and worship our God who has blessed us greatly. I catch glimpses of God working in our lives and I hope to share some with you. One day I would love to write a women's devotional book. I also enjoy speaking to ladies immensely. I have a dream of one day being a public speaker and perhaps author. I really don't know how I would even begin to head towards that dream, but the dream is there, and that is the first step. I really hope that this Blog will bless someone in some way. I guess when you look at it, that is really my dream. My dream is to be an encourager.

(UPDATE!!) July 2013 We have moved to the city and now live in an apartment. We only have 2 dogs now. Our lives have changed and it is taking some getting used to, but we glorify God in everything, and everywhere!