A lot of my posts are about something I learn. This time I'm going to start out writing something I feel and see where it goes. Often the things that are there to be learned are in plain sight and we just need to lay it all out so we can look at it in its entirety.
I often think of myself as not a very emotional person. This is in fact, not correct. I think it is just that my emotions run very deep. I often struggle with how to express my emotions, yet I lay my heart on display in this blog. How does that work?? I like to hide my heartache behind a corny joke or sarcastic comments. I don't like to cry. I don't often cry, but when I do, you know something is very wrong.
In Bible class last night we read a little from the psalms. When I was younger I could never understand why people liked the psalms. To me they were emotional dribble that was a great thing to read to make you sleepy. Now I'm older and I've put away many (not all!) childish ways. Now when I read the psalms it is as if my heart is aching to speak the words that are spoken in that book. To read them is almost to speak them myself. Maybe I'm getting soft or maybe I'm realizing that not everything can be stuffed down and bottled up. If this great man, a man after Gods own heart, can lay his heart on paper, why can't I?
David messed up....a lot. So do I. So do you. Our mistakes just aren't written for all to read. But David kept coming back to God. He had a relationship with God. David craved his presence. When he messed up, he made it right.
Sometimes, I wish I could catch a glimpse of me through Gods eyes. Maybe he sees potential there that is unknown to me and all others. At the same time, I know God loves me. He loves everyone. It is just hard for us to imagine a love that is not displayed in this world. Lets just admit, no one can love like God can. Oh we can try, and we can have amazing love, but God's perfect love....we can't match that.
This week has been tough. Stuff came that I didn't see coming. I've been praying and trying to make sense of everything. Sometimes though, things just don't make sense, and never will. We just have to wade through them and come out better on the other side. When we go through a refiners fire, we learn what we are made of....you either get purged or you get burned up.
I've also stepped away from some of my responsibilities this week. I let go of something that I didn't want to let go of, but something had to give. I am committed to so many things that I can't fully commit to any one thing. So I cut back. Was it hard? Extremely. Do I think it was the right thing to do? Absolutely. I'm sure people will wag their heads and say I "gave up" or "quit". But I am one person and if I am to be used effectively in any area I have to cut back in some area. So I did.
Tonight I'll be reading the psalms. Not to fall asleep though. No, not even to relax to. Rather, To pour my heart out to God.
So I'm not even sure if this post means anything or if it is even worth reading. But to those who read my blog, thank you. For what it's worth....these are my thoughts with no pennies.