I have been struggling as of late. I have felt unworthy to write to anyone and offer what little knowledge I have. Sometimes I leave bible class telling myself that I talk too much. Or I speak up too often. Sometimes I get in modes where I replay every mistake I've ever made, big or small. I replay what I could've done to make it right, or could do now to make it right. I truly, in the depths of my soul wish we had the power to forget. I suppose then we wouldn't learn from our mistakes. Forgiving ourselves is so hard. Sometimes I wonder how it is that God could use me. Just me. Within this fleshly chamber that I dwell, how can I be worthy of Gods love and mercy? Honestly, I'm not. I receive grace and mercy. Things that are given to those that don't deserve them. I have to remind myself of that. We all do. When you are down and people ask the empty question, "How are you?", remember you are loved by God. You don't earn his love or his mercy, yet he gives it freely to those that seek him. He takes us, the unworthy creatures that we are, and makes us His. When we feel like we don't belong anywhere, he will always take us in.
These are things that I learn on my journey. I learn them over and over. Each time it reaches a little deeper into my heart. I more often than not, feel like I'm an outcast. Though my exterior can smile and shake hands, inside, often I am solem. I try to flood my soul with scriptures of strength, courage, and hope. I try to take in as much of my blessings as I can each day. My family is my greatest blessing on this earth. I thank God for them every single day. Sometimes it scares me how short life can be. It is something I actuly think of often. Nothing gets you set straight in a hurry like being told you are going to die. Three times. That is how many times doctors have said I would not survive the night. Three. Times. These three times remind me that we are all here for a reason, and that we are also here for a short time.
The first time, was when I was first born. I was born with fluid in my lungs and a hole in my heart. Doctors told my parents to say goodbye to me. Yet people prayed, and God spared me. Then when I was 13, I started losing my vision during a Wednesday night bible study. I was taken to the ER where we were told that I should not survive the night. A CT scan of my head showed an aneurism in my brain. People prayed, and God spared me. Next, I was 18, and a newly wed. I lost consciesneness and started having seizures. I was taken to the ER where a CT scan showed a tumor on my brain. I was flown to a larger hospital in a helicopter and they found the same thing. My new husband was told to tell me goodbye. People prayed, and God spared me. He spared .....me. Sometimes, I struggle with almost a type of "survivors guilt". But, mostly I am overwhelmed, and want to use this life he has given me, my all. Every bit of my being, I want to belong to him.
I am here for a purpose....God's purpose. We all are whether we know it or not. When we feel alone, we aren't alone. When we feel rejected, we are welcomed. You are here for a purpose. God gave you this life for a reason. Don't waste a second of it. Serve him fully with your whole heart, until your last breath. God is so good to us. We are never beyond the reach of his mercy.
I suppose, we need to learn from our mistakes, then let them go. It is hard, so very hard. But it is possible. We want to be like Peter, not Judas. Both messed up, big time. Both were overcome with guilt. Peter learned from it and moved on, while it overcame Judas and he took his own life. Don't let satan use your guilt to convince you that you aren't worthy. No, rather let God help you learn from it and let it go. God loves you....yes you.....more than you know. The question is, will you let him?