Letting go of the past. Not living my life based on what others think. Seeking God above all else. Raw, passionate pursuit. Being at a point when you really are ready to let God take control...because you have nothing left in you.
My heart and soul ached with longing to shed my pain and despair. I lost my passion in Gods work. People around me seemed to have no joy in God. The kind of joy the world can't understand or take away. I wanted joy in God.
I started withdrawing from people. I wanted and needed time to focus on God. I needed to spend time not worrying about keeping up appearances or maintaining shallow relationships. I had no fight left in me. I felt as though my heart had burst and it's pieces scattered to the four winds, and there was no hope of getting them back.
I swallowed the jagged pill of pride and had to admit that I had been living my life the way I thought everyone else wanted me to. Following family traditions in faith and life. I knew it was time to step back and evaluate my faith and core beliefs. This, I will tell you, is not for the faint of heart.
For so many years I've felt focused on the do's and don'ts of Christian life. You know, rules. What makes me right and all else wrong. Ah, the grand delusions. Though I've spoken of grace and mercy, and of Gods love, I'd never really felt it. Not like I wanted to. No matter how hard I tried, I felt as though heavens gates would never let me enter. I had no real relationship with God. I was too afraid of Him. Afraid of the rejection I was sure I would recieve. One discovery I've made in my soul searching, is God's grace really is sufficient. Really. Once I began to believe this, I started letting Him closer. Fear has been swallowed by adoration and love. I am not saying I don't have a healthy fear of God, I'm saying that I've stopped being afraid of Him. I'm letting go of my hypocrisy and letting God pour out his love, grace and mercy.
In this time of searching, I've started to find joy in God. It is beyond the vocabulary of humans to try and describe it. I wish it upon all of you.
I tell you all of this to tell you something else. The past few months, while I've questioned the very things I believe, I have not felt as though I should write. I wanted to find my way out of the darkness so I could tell you what I found in the light, and what I felt in the dark. In the past 3days I've had a few people ask about my blog. I believe that in those questions was the still small voice telling me that it's time. It's time to start sharing you're struggles and victories once more.
So, here's to the God of the impossible. The God of the great and terrible storms, and gentle nudges. I'm back.