Monday, June 18, 2012

Addicted

Ugh. Addictions. There are so many different kinds. Some are good, some are bad, some aren't really either. One thing I'm addicted to is pinterest. It is a great resource for the crafty/resourceful. You can find out how to make things from junk to save time and money or you can find great recipes. If you choose, you can just sit there and dream while looking at pictures of things that you find interesting.
Another addiction I have is doing. Doing? Yes. Simply the act of doing something. I feel like I'm wasting time if I'm not doing something. Relaxing to me is researching more things that I can do with my time!
This whole healing process is going to drive me nutso!!!! My leg hurts pretty bad from the angiogram. I have a dark purple bruise on my leg that takes up an area larger than both of my hands. I also feel like I'm always on the verge of a headache. This has to be one of the most challenging and frustrating things I've ever gone through. I feel like I'm not healing as fast as I could be. Maybe I should spend the entire day in bed tomorrow. It would be rough, but if I actually feel better rather than worse it might be nice. I've healed from plenty of other things and been able to push myself and still heal well....but this seems different. I can only imagine the "WELL DUH!!!" people want to tell me. I know how silly this all may seem from the other side, but from my POV I'm actually going through withdrawals! I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like I'm craving activity.
On top of this, I'm addicted to food. I want so badly to lose weight. I want to start exercising, and actually try to get healthy. Yet, I can't. If my head is bothered by such mundane activity then I know it will be a long long time until I'm able to actually work up a sweat. I feel so boxed in and doomed. Like nothing I try will work. I keep trying to pray about it but I'm not even sure it's what God wants. Truly, I feel like a child being forced to look at the mess they have made, being scolded, and having to wait to clean it up. I'm sitting here looking at this mess of myself, wanting to start NOW, and God is saying "Wait. Wait until you've taken a good long look and you've actually learned something". It's getting even harder because some of the medication I am on right now is making me gain weight. This only makes me panic. It's like knowing that you will have to pull a person out of quick sand, but having to watch the sink up to their eyebrows before you are allowed to help. It will be hard enough to do, but the longer you wait the more difficult it will be. I'm just afraid of that person sinking all the way before I'm able to even try to reach out....then it's too late.
I'm addicted. My addictions need to be controlled. I'm trying. An addiction really comes down to a control issue. I want to be in control here and I am not. Somethings we do need to have control of. While others we need to let go of control and let God. It's not for sissy's.
I really hope that I WILL learn something from this. I really hope that it won't kill me in the process. Above all, I hope that I will be able to put into action what I learn. Another day down.

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