Ugh. Addictions. There are so many different kinds. Some are good, some are bad, some aren't really either. One thing I'm addicted to is pinterest. It is a great resource for the crafty/resourceful. You can find out how to make things from junk to save time and money or you can find great recipes. If you choose, you can just sit there and dream while looking at pictures of things that you find interesting.
Another addiction I have is doing. Doing? Yes. Simply the act of doing something. I feel like I'm wasting time if I'm not doing something. Relaxing to me is researching more things that I can do with my time!
This whole healing process is going to drive me nutso!!!! My leg hurts pretty bad from the angiogram. I have a dark purple bruise on my leg that takes up an area larger than both of my hands. I also feel like I'm always on the verge of a headache. This has to be one of the most challenging and frustrating things I've ever gone through. I feel like I'm not healing as fast as I could be. Maybe I should spend the entire day in bed tomorrow. It would be rough, but if I actually feel better rather than worse it might be nice. I've healed from plenty of other things and been able to push myself and still heal well....but this seems different. I can only imagine the "WELL DUH!!!" people want to tell me. I know how silly this all may seem from the other side, but from my POV I'm actually going through withdrawals! I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like I'm craving activity.
On top of this, I'm addicted to food. I want so badly to lose weight. I want to start exercising, and actually try to get healthy. Yet, I can't. If my head is bothered by such mundane activity then I know it will be a long long time until I'm able to actually work up a sweat. I feel so boxed in and doomed. Like nothing I try will work. I keep trying to pray about it but I'm not even sure it's what God wants. Truly, I feel like a child being forced to look at the mess they have made, being scolded, and having to wait to clean it up. I'm sitting here looking at this mess of myself, wanting to start NOW, and God is saying "Wait. Wait until you've taken a good long look and you've actually learned something". It's getting even harder because some of the medication I am on right now is making me gain weight. This only makes me panic. It's like knowing that you will have to pull a person out of quick sand, but having to watch the sink up to their eyebrows before you are allowed to help. It will be hard enough to do, but the longer you wait the more difficult it will be. I'm just afraid of that person sinking all the way before I'm able to even try to reach out....then it's too late.
I'm addicted. My addictions need to be controlled. I'm trying. An addiction really comes down to a control issue. I want to be in control here and I am not. Somethings we do need to have control of. While others we need to let go of control and let God. It's not for sissy's.
I really hope that I WILL learn something from this. I really hope that it won't kill me in the process. Above all, I hope that I will be able to put into action what I learn. Another day down.
Showing posts with label Rest. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rest. Show all posts
Monday, June 18, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
I'll rest when I'm dead, ok this is close enough.
I've always been of the mind that I'll rest when I'm dead. I run here and there filling my days with tasks and errands. People tell me that I need to slow down. I enjoy it though. I enjoy the constant work and how things turn out. I like being useful. Who doesn't?
Well, sometimes God likes to throw a stick in our spokes just to remind us of just how much we are not in charge. I just spent the past few days in an ICU. I hadn't been feeling well but kep pushing. "I'll feel better tomorrow", or "it's just my imagination." Well at the point my head felt like it was going to explode and my vision was failing I drove myself to the ER, WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE. I was so iconvinced that they'd give me some fluids and send me home that I didn't want to make a fuss and tell even my husband. -Hey, I never said I was being smart through this whole thing.- Soon my husband was able to track me down on our gps phone things. Little did I know that they would actually find something on my ct scan, and soon MRI. I kept thinking "This isn't possible! I'm too busy to be sick!" I what could I do but lay there and be subject to Gods plans and not my own. At points over the past few days I've thought,"ok this is close enough to dead, I'll rest." All the things that I wanted to help with and be a part of went on without me. None of us are irreplaceable in some respects. There is SOME ONE who will teach that class, or visit that person. I found a pleasant surprise. When we feel like nobody else will do it, God shows us we aren't alone. I think part of our pride gets in the way when we stop looking for help when we don't think people can do things the way we want them to, or we just don't think they would be willing. "The mother of invention is necessity." It is a quote I think applies to this. People will find ways to help when it is necessary. Personally I need to learn to say no to things. In a way I am robbing my brothers and sisters in Christ from opportunities to serve. So, I swallowed the bitter pill of pride and people stepped up. I keep wanting to do things and help, it's my nature and it's not a bad thing. But like all things, moderation is key. We can rest but in moderation. We can be commit to help but in moderation. If we over commit we not only cheat those we are trying to serve, but cheat ourselves as well. There is indeed a delicate balance.
We must all strive for this balance. We must not only try to be involved but to delegate and get others involved as well. Directly ask people for help. Ask for a yes or no commitment. Wishy washy commitment isn't commitment.
So, I've learned that I shouldn't wait til I'm dead to rest or I'll shorten the time I'm here to serve. Even Christ found time for himself. He served,he also delegated, and he saved us all. He is working now through us. He is relying on us to carry out His work. He could get it done without us, but he chooses to entrust us with such a great task. We can learn so much from our Master.
These thoughts went here and there and I'm not even sure they made sense, but here they are.
Well, sometimes God likes to throw a stick in our spokes just to remind us of just how much we are not in charge. I just spent the past few days in an ICU. I hadn't been feeling well but kep pushing. "I'll feel better tomorrow", or "it's just my imagination." Well at the point my head felt like it was going to explode and my vision was failing I drove myself to the ER, WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE. I was so iconvinced that they'd give me some fluids and send me home that I didn't want to make a fuss and tell even my husband. -Hey, I never said I was being smart through this whole thing.- Soon my husband was able to track me down on our gps phone things. Little did I know that they would actually find something on my ct scan, and soon MRI. I kept thinking "This isn't possible! I'm too busy to be sick!" I what could I do but lay there and be subject to Gods plans and not my own. At points over the past few days I've thought,"ok this is close enough to dead, I'll rest." All the things that I wanted to help with and be a part of went on without me. None of us are irreplaceable in some respects. There is SOME ONE who will teach that class, or visit that person. I found a pleasant surprise. When we feel like nobody else will do it, God shows us we aren't alone. I think part of our pride gets in the way when we stop looking for help when we don't think people can do things the way we want them to, or we just don't think they would be willing. "The mother of invention is necessity." It is a quote I think applies to this. People will find ways to help when it is necessary. Personally I need to learn to say no to things. In a way I am robbing my brothers and sisters in Christ from opportunities to serve. So, I swallowed the bitter pill of pride and people stepped up. I keep wanting to do things and help, it's my nature and it's not a bad thing. But like all things, moderation is key. We can rest but in moderation. We can be commit to help but in moderation. If we over commit we not only cheat those we are trying to serve, but cheat ourselves as well. There is indeed a delicate balance.
We must all strive for this balance. We must not only try to be involved but to delegate and get others involved as well. Directly ask people for help. Ask for a yes or no commitment. Wishy washy commitment isn't commitment.
So, I've learned that I shouldn't wait til I'm dead to rest or I'll shorten the time I'm here to serve. Even Christ found time for himself. He served,he also delegated, and he saved us all. He is working now through us. He is relying on us to carry out His work. He could get it done without us, but he chooses to entrust us with such a great task. We can learn so much from our Master.
These thoughts went here and there and I'm not even sure they made sense, but here they are.
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